| | I've been given a lot to think about lately, and I'm not sure just how to digest it all. Some things sadden me, and others anger me. And then there are some that just plain confuse me. All I know is that life is not as simple as I once believed. It seems that progressively since my freshman year of high school things have been getting more and more complicated in huge leaps and bounds, rather than gradually. Over the past five years I have matured to a point as to be almost unrecognizable in personality. It hurts me to think I was that naive. And over the past couple of weeks I've begun maturing in a different way. A good way. But where I am right now, it's going to be difficult to continue the process. And that worries me. I don't want to slide backward as I've done so many times in the past. I don't want to be who I was just three months ago. And I certainly don't want to be who I was two years ago. I know this is all very cryptic, except to people who know me to my very core, who no longer get on here anymore and so won't read this, but I feel I must write it down anyway. Document it, something. I've begun recently to sing, out loud, something I've almost never done, except in cases of extreme joy and light heartedness. Or, at one point in time, in anger. It's a spur of the moment kind of thing, where, just a song comes on, and you know it well, and the next thing you know you're singing at the top of your lungs. I'm kind of an insomniac lately as well, but I've discovered that some of the things that have come along with the most recent change have made that easier. It's funny how, upon a few simple conversations with someone I will probably never meet, I feel so attached, and so worried about their well being. Many times when I'm thinking about this person I am overcome with a need to wrap my arms around them and give them a big sappy hug. I think about this person a lot now. The more I learn the more I feel a need to nurture. I guess that is my way. I'm in kind of a stuck place in my life right now, waiting to begin college in the spring semester. Day by day everything is the same. I don't see much of people beyond my immediate family, except on Sunday, and Sunday just doesn't feel like enough time out of the house. But in the past week or two, I've begun moving forward, slowly but surely, and hopefully I can find a way to speed up the process. I need to start with getting some work done. Around the house, on my novel, just various areas I need to catch up in. And I need to find a way to spend time with people more my age and such. I worry about the state of certain friendships, I've been neglecting them, and have paid for it. One friend won't even respond to an IM anymore, I fear I've lost her for good, and that's completely my own fault. Now I need to go, before I pass out on my keyboard. Maybe I'll add more in the morning. |
| | Posted 8/25/2008 2:32 AM - 14 Views - 2 eProps - 1 Comment
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